Harry's Struggle
by HipHopStar1987
Summary: Harry is feeling depressed and alone. There's only one person who can help...Who is it? And are they willing to go to extremes to save an enemy?


Harry sat beside the window in the Gryffindor dorm, and he looked at the silvery moon that was shining down and casting an  
  
eerie but slightly mystical glow over the Hogwarts Castle.  
  
Harry couldn't sleep, nor had he wanted too.  
  
He didn't want to do anything.  
  
He didn't want to think, to live, to talk, to spend time with his friends, nothing.  
  
Nothing mattered.  
  
For he knew that there was only one thing he wanted, and he  
  
knew that he couldn't have it.  
  
He had battled with his emotions for quite sometime now.  
  
He was in his 6th year at Hogwarts, and was going to only have a short period of time left until he had to leave this magical  
  
place forever.  
  
Soon his magical training would be at an end, and he would never see his friends again, or the boy he felt so deeply for.  
  
He didn't know how to deal with this thoughts, and began to cry.  
  
He sat alone, and sad, and no one cared.  
  
No one had come to find him, no one asked him what was wrong.  
  
Not even Ron and Hermione had noticed, he thought that that was what had hurt him the most.  
  
No one cared. He remembered reading something in a muggle newspaper about the growing problem of suicide among young muggles.  
  
He only wished he had the magazine with him, so he could get some ideas.  
  
He thought that living was worthless.  
  
He had to go to his aunt and uncle's every year after summer holiday started.  
  
He thought that he would be better dead, than to have to deal with them ever again.  
  
He didn't care. Didn't care what anyone said.  
  
He had isolated himself, by his own choosing.  
  
There was only one reason he was still breathing this night.  
  
The one source of happiness that he had.  
  
And that one reason was: Draco.  
  
You couldn't really call Draco a reason because Draco had loathed Harry ever since the day they had first met.  
  
If Harry had told Draco how he felt, he figured that Draco would laugh.  
  
Draco was a Malfoy, and he was powerful.  
  
He was a miniature version of his father, and Harry liked the power that Lucius had possessed.  
  
He longed to run his fingers through Draco's sleek blond hair, and tell him how much he cared for him.  
  
He was sick and tired of having to pretend to hate the boy whom he deeply loved.  
  
The stress of this facade was finally catching up to Harry.  
  
Every time Harry tried to think, his thought were invaded by the young slytherin who hated him so.  
  
Harry wished he could change the way Draco felt, but he knew there was nothing he could do.  
  
Every time he passed Draco in the hall, Draco would not miss an opportunity to tell Harry how much he loathed him.  
  
Harry faced Draco, emotionless, and taking his insults as they came.  
  
He wished that this facade could be over, and that he wouldn't have to pretend anymore.  
  
He wished he could be honest with Draco, and that Draco would accept him, maybe even feel the same.  
  
He knew all his thought were worthless.  
  
Suddenly, Harry had remembered something.  
  
The muggle magazine was back on a shelf in his closet in his aunt and uncle's hous on Privet Drive.  
  
He remembered a summoning charm that Hermione had helped him with back in fourth year before the Tri-Wizard tournament.  
  
It was the spell that helped him summon his Firebolt when he had to face the dragons.  
  
"Accio" Harry shouted into the night, and hoped that his spell would work.  
  
He looked out the window, and saw the magazine floating across the night sky, and was heading straight towards the open window.  
  
Harry stood up, reached his arm out of the window, and caught the magazine.  
  
Once he had retrieved the magazine, he sat back down,  
  
and using the moonlight as his only source of light,  
  
turned to the page where it talked about the young muggles killing themselves.  
  
Harry scanned over the article and was begining to get some ideas.  
  
Some muggles had strangled themselves, some had used a metal sort of object called a gun, and shot themselves,  
  
and some had overdosed on drugs.  
  
Harry knew that the overdosing of drugs would probably be the easiest way to do what he thought was his way out.  
  
He knew that Professor Snape probably had something that would aid him in his last desperate task.  
  
He took his invisibility cloak and crept out of the dorm, down through the common room, and outside to where the staircases wait.  
  
He went silently down to the Potions classroom, being careful not to make a sound, and to avoid anyone who seemed to be wandering around.  
  
Even the prefects were in bed by now. The only people who might possibly be up were the professors, and that was a very slim possibly.  
  
He encountered no one as he proceeded to try to open the door to the classroom. "Snape must have locked it," Harry thought to himself.  
  
No problem. There was always a way to get out of things like this.  
  
"ALohomora," Harry whispered as he watched the lock unlock itself and open before his eyes.  
  
"At least there's one advantage to being a wizard," Harry muttered silently to himself.  
  
Harry walked towards Snapes desk, and thought about what would happen to him if he were caught.  
  
Since he had the invisibility cloak, it would be hard for anyone to catch him, so he decided to shake the feeling and do what he came here to do.  
  
He looked through Snape's private stashes, and saw something that he thought might help.  
  
He saw a little packet of a white powdery substance, and wondered what the "Stuff" was.  
  
He thought it might help him in his attepmt to kill himself.  
  
He took the packet, and found a syringe in one of Snape's other drawers.  
  
Harry thought that it would be no more than a packet of powedered root of asphodel, and if it were, without the infusion of wormwood,  
  
it wouldn't cause that much damage, or so he thought.  
  
He took his new found goods, and decided to go to a deserted clasroom on the 4th floor.  
  
He never liked the third floor, he had discovered that one in his first year at Hogwarts.  
  
He went to the grand staircases and climbed 4 sets of steps to the fourth floot.  
  
He decided that any one of the classrooms would be a good place to do what he knew he had to do.  
  
He unlocked the 2nd Charms classroom, and closed the door behind him.  
  
There was a big window, and the moonlight was brighter than ever.  
  
The moonlight was streaming in through the open window, and Harry saw the Charms classroom really did look different at night.  
  
Nonetheless, he took a seat beside the window, just like he did in the Gryffindor tower.  
  
He pulled the packet of the powdery substance out from his pyjama pocket, and took the syrings out as well.  
  
He decided that since no one was around it was safe to take off his invisibility cloak.  
  
He took it off, and threw it on a nearby desk.  
  
"No one's going to miss me," he thought to himself.  
  
He carefully opened the packet of white powder and took the syringe. He knew he had to find some way of getting the powder into the syringe.  
  
He didn't want to bother with muggle complications, so he decided to magic the powder into the syringe.  
  
He also said a spell, and a belt appeared in his hand.  
  
He tied it around his left arm, tight enough to be able to tap the vein when he was going to inject the substance into his body.  
  
He took the syringe in his right hand, and tapped the vein in his left hand.  
  
He lowered the syringe and closed his eyes, he never could stand watching needles getting inserted to people, whether it be for medical purposes or otherwise.  
  
As he was about to inject himself with "the powdered root of asphodel" he heard someone or something move about the room.  
  
Harry got frightened, and put the syringe down.  
  
He looked around the room, as someone walked out of the shadows and into the light.  
  
Harry didn't know who he was, at least he couldn't tell, because the person was still surrounded partly by darkness.  
  
"Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Show yourself!" Harry said all in one breath.  
  
The figure moved closer to the window and as the moonlight fell on the figure's blond hair,  
  
Harry realized in sudden horror in who it was.  
  
"Malfoy?!?"  
  
"Hmm, I see that you have got your names right, Potter," Malfoy sneered as he stood looking at the frightened Harry who was now backing up against a desk.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing Potter? Do you want to permanently kill yourself? Answer me, "What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"I don't have to answer to you Malfoy, and why would you care? You never miss a chance to tell me how much you hate me every time you see me.  
  
Why should this time be any different? Why would you start to care now? Hmm? What? Do you suddenly know what's best for me?"  
  
Malfoy looked at Harry and looked sullen. He sighed and he knew that the time had come to tell Harry the truth.  
  
"I don't hate you Potter," Malfoy said in a barely audible voice.  
  
"What was that Malfoy, speak up. I demand an answer."  
  
This time, Malfoy lifted his head up, and looked Harry in the eyes.  
  
"I said, I don't hate you."  
  
"Yea right Malfoy, do you really expect me to believe that? You are always tormenting me, always teasing me, never missing a chance to tell me how much you hate me."  
  
"Believe it or not Harry," Draco dropped the Potter act and continued with his story.  
  
"I really don't hate you.'  
  
"Do you want to know why I pretend to hate you? Why I have to lie like this?"  
  
"Yes Malfoy, if you have an explanation, I would like to hear it, because as far as I'm concerned, you're behavior is still left unjustified."  
  
"Fine Harry. You want to know the truth? I'll tell you. First, come and take a seat beside me, it would go much easier if you  
  
stopped acting like a little child cowered on a desk."  
  
Harry obeyed, and took a seat by the window next to Malfoy.  
  
"My father..." Draco started, "wanted me to protect you. He thought I could do this easily if I managed to befriend you.  
  
When I first met you, you refused my offer, and made friends with that Weasel kid. I had to go and tell my father that I had failed.  
  
You know my father, he has an unrelenting rage, he always gets what he wants, and does whatever he needs to do to get it.  
  
I had to face my father and tell him that the Weasel had done what I could not. I could not befriend you, I tried, Harry.  
  
I tried. I finally told my father when we were back at the house, and he said that you not wanting to befriend me was going to change  
  
the original plan my father had for me. He said that since I couldn't befriend you, that I would have to pretend to hate you.  
  
I had to somehow show that I hated you Harry. Believe me, this was the hardest thing I could do. I didn't want to do this."  
  
Draco stopped, tears streaming down his face.  
  
"My father is unforgiving. When he found out that the Weasel did what I could not, he took his fury out on me."  
  
Draco stopped and pulled up his sleeves. He showed Harry the bruises that were on his arms.  
  
"Oh Draco..." Harry started, remembering that he could not show his true emotions to the boy who sat next to him.  
  
"I didn't like my father. Every time something would go wrong, he would take it out on me, he said that I was a mistake,  
  
that I didn't deserve to be a Malfoy. He said that this wouldn't have happened if I had succeeded in my original task which was to befriend you.  
  
I couldn't take it anymore Harry. I couldn't take my father abusing me, I couldn't take my parents yelling at each other.  
  
So I decided to believe what my father told me. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking that I was a mistake, a failure, and a disgrace to the Malfoy name.  
  
I couldn't handle it anymore, so instead of my father taking his rage out on me, I decided to do it myself.  
  
Look here Harry..." Draco stopped once more, and rolled up the other sleeve.  
  
Harry looked at the symmetrical scars on Draco's wrist.  
  
"Draco, you didn't..."  
  
"I did Harry, I still do. I don't know what to do anymore," tears were flowing faster and harder than ever before.  
  
"I decided that whatever my father said about me had to be true, my father was always right. My mother on the other hand,  
  
did not agree with my father. She never did, I don't think. They got into fights often, and whenever I would hear their screaming voices, I would lock  
  
myself up in my room, to do...this."  
  
"Draco..I'm sorry. I never knew."  
  
"No one did. I thought no one cared. I thought I was doing this to make myself feel better. This in a way was a stress reliever for me.  
  
I didn't think I could handle the emotional pain, and I thought that I could deal better with the physical pain than anything else.  
  
So here's the proof."  
  
Harry took Draco's arm, and looked at the red marks on Draco's pale wrist. It was quite obvious. The robes hide much, even Harry knew that, but what they could hide, Harry had never known, until now.  
  
"So see Harry? It was all an act. A pathetic act that my father told me I had to play to protect you, to keep you safe."  
  
"Keep me safe from what exactly?" Harry asked questioningly.  
  
"From Lord Voldemort. My father didn't want to be the hero. He didn't want to be responsible for killing you know who.  
  
He thought that you could deal better with that reputation than he ever could, being the Head Death Eater, after all.  
  
How would it look if one of Voldemort's most trusted followers turned on him, and killed him?  
  
Everyone would listen to a story about a boy who defeated lord voldemort.  
  
If my father killed him, the rest of Voldemort's followers would most likely have turned on my father, and my father wouldn't be here today.  
  
My role was to protect you, but I just can't pretend anymore, Harry. I can't do it." Draco said through the tears.  
  
A moment of silence fell around them, and they sat quietly in the darkness.  
  
"You never answered my question Harry, why the hell were you here? and what were you doing here?"  
  
"Well Malfoy, I mean, Draco...I too have an explantion."  
  
"Well then let's hear it Harry. I just told you my life story, now it's time for you to pour your hear out."  
  
"Okay Draco, this is kind of a long story."  
  
"I have time," was Draco's only reply.  
  
"Okay, it all started when I became so fed up with my aunt and uncle. I couldn't stand them anymore. I had to go there every summer holiday, and I hated it.  
  
My only hope was looking foward to the day when I would come back to Hogwarts, and to see my friends.  
  
Of course I dreaded that day as well, because I would have to face you.  
  
I didn't like being made fun of, and I hated it when you tormented me.  
  
I always tried to avoid you, and it didn't work. Somehow you would always find me.  
  
Slowly but surely, I began to like seeing you, more and more. I kept wishing I could see you.  
  
Suddenly 24 hours in a day was not enough. I looked foward to seeing you, even though I thought you hated me.  
  
I would take your insults as they came, and I as well, had to play a part. I had to pretend that I despised you as well.  
  
It was hard, believe me Malfoy. It was hard pretending to hate you, when I felt just the opposite.  
  
You were like a drug..I needed you, needed to see you, needed to talk to you, even if you insulted me.  
  
That was what kept me going. All of a sudden, I was looking for days when you would insult me, because I knew that was the only way you would willingly talk to me.  
  
You wouldn't care what I thought.  
  
I couldn't let you know how I felt. You would have thought I was crazy, and you would have shunned me, just like my other friends did.  
  
I grew apart from them, and I knew I still had you.  
  
I would still have you to talk to, to admire, to love.  
  
You would never know that because both of us were playing parts.  
  
I got sick of it, and I just couldn't lie anymore.  
  
There was only one thing I wanted in life, and I decided that if I couldn't have you, life wouldn't be worth living.  
  
So I snuck down to Snape's classroom, and stole this packet.  
  
Don't worry though, Malfoy...uhh...Draco. It's only powdered root of asphodel. It wouldn't have caused much damage."  
  
"Powdered root of asphodel? POWDERED ROOT OF ASPHODEL? Harry how much more idiotic could you possibly be?  
  
This isn't powdered root of asphodel as you would like to believe."  
  
"Then what exactly is it Draco, if you know so much."  
  
"You are forgetting Harry, that my father has an influence in the muggle world as well as the magical one."  
  
"I know that Draco, but what does that have anything to do with this...this...substance?"  
  
"As I was saying Harry, this is not powdered root of asphodel. It's heroin."  
  
"Heroin?" Harry asked slightly confused.  
  
"It's a type of muggle drug. They use it when they try to kill themselves..." and Draco stopped, realizing suddenly what Harry wanted to do.  
  
"You thought that this was powdered root of asphodel, when it was Heroin. You thought that it would only cause minor symptoms,  
  
while you were hoping it would kill you. You wanted to end your life. Am I right Harry? You couldn't take it anymore, so you decided you would be better off dead.  
  
You wanted everything to go away, to just, kind of disappear. You wanted everything to end so you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore."  
  
"That's right Draco. I decided that if I couldn't have you, then life was worthless. This seemed like my only way out."  
  
Draco turned, and looked Harry dead in the eyes.  
  
"Harry, you don't need to do this. I told you before that I don't hate you, and I hope you can forgive me for all the pain I put you through unknowingly.  
  
I want you too. You don't know how hard it is to live with a father who gets what he wants, whenever he wants. You don't know how hard it is  
  
to deal with your father's whims. You don't know what it feels like to fail and feel his wrath. All I know right now is that I want you,  
  
and I could care less what anyone else thinks. I don't care about my father, I don't care about this school, all I care about is you.  
  
I want you...Harry. I want you with me. I want to hold you, I want to run my fingers through your hair. I want to talk to you,  
  
to tell you how much I care about you. I want to take walks with you, even through the forest. The forest can sometimes frighten me,  
  
but I think that I would feel safe with you. I want to make you feel safe, the way you do with me.  
  
I want to hold you, to touch you, to know that you are mine. Can you give this to me Harry? Can we put aside our differences,  
  
and forget about the past? Can we forget everything and just live day to day with nothing holding us back?"  
  
"I can give that to you Malfoy. I can and I will. I promise."  
  
"I should write romance novels, eh, Harry? I think I would make a pretty good author, if I do say so myself."  
  
"I think you would make an excellent author Draco, but what would your father say?"  
  
"I don't care about what my father would say. Like I said before, Harry. All I care about is you."  
  
"I love you Draco, ya know."  
  
"I love you too Harry..."  
  
Then silence fell around them, as they turned to face each other, they wrapped their arms around one another and pulled the other into a passionate embrace.  
  
Draco released Harry and looked into those emerald eyes that he longed for.  
  
Harry's green eyes met Draco's silvery grey ones, and they looked at each other for the longest time thinking that everything would be alright now.  
  
The past didn't matter, the future was uncertain, all that mattered was here and now.  
  
Nothing seemed to matter.  
  
The two boys had seemed to loose track of time, because as they sat by the window, the sun started to come up.  
  
The rays of light began to break through the midnight clouds, as the new day began to form.  
  
Harry got up, and took the invisibility cloak off of the desk he had thrown it on the night before.  
  
"Well, I better be going now," Harry said to Draco.  
  
Draco stood up and walked over to Harry taking his hand.  
  
Draco led Harry back to the window and motioned him to take a seat.  
  
Harry listened, as he had the night before.  
  
"You can leave after the sunrise. I've always wanted to watch the sunrise in the morning with someone I really cared about."  
  
Harry looked in disbelief at Draco. "Was it possible that Draco loved me even more than I know?" Harry thought to himself.  
  
Harry and Draco sat by the window, watching the sunrise. "This was better than I had ever dreamed." Draco thought to himself.  
  
The sun was rising higher and higher into the sky, and Draco turned to Harry once more.  
  
"I really love you ya know," Draco said as he leaned in to kiss Harry.  
  
This experience had been new to both of them, and they got lost in the sensations and emotions that were surrounding them.  
  
They held each other once more, forgetting about the past, forgetting everything.  
  
They held each other in bliss.  
  
Harry finally decided that it was time for him to leave.  
  
Both boys needed to get some sleep, so it was a good idea.  
  
"Hey Draco," Harry started...  
  
"Yes Potter?" Draco asked with a smile on his face.  
  
"When you've gotten rested up, you know where to find me Draco..."  
  
"I do know where to find you, and you better believe that I will be there," Draco said with a smile.  
  
Harry turned to walk away, and remembered that the syringe still lay on the floor.  
  
He doubled back, picked up the syringe, intoned a spell, and destroyed the heroin with the syringe.  
  
"Heroic Potter, battles Heroin and succeeds. I bet the world would love to know this story."  
  
"Shut up Malfoy, or I'm going to have to make you pay for that comment."  
  
"What exactly are you going to do to me Potter?"  
  
"That's for me to know and you to find out," Harry said.  
  
"Fine then, if it's going to be like that, then I can't wait to see what you have in store for me this time Potter."  
  
And with that final comment, both of the boys walked out of the fourth floor charms classroom, hand in hand, ready to face the new day. 


End file.
